Friday, January 18, 2008

In Defense of the Godflute

I should warn all that sarcasm is about to follow, a raucous rant of righteous indignation, a deliberate diatribe of derision and denigration… Okay, maybe I won’t go quite that far, but I would ask that my words not be discounted merely because I have a tendency to treat anger with mirth. I ask that you take the time to note that somewhere between the rancor and the humor lies a precious grain of truth and common sense.

Some of you may have read a past piece of mine exalting the Australian Pine, for those who missed it, here’s a brief recap: Loved trees as a kid. Moved here, missed trees, found new trees. When the wind blew through these new trees they made a sound like a bamboo flute. Hence, I dubbed them “Godflutes”. Now I find my deific woodwinds threatened by the very agencies of this state whom I would expect to understand. Apparently the problem is that I fell in love with a cur, an unwanted, voracious mutt of the botanical world, and a member of the Invasive Plant Brigade’s “Top 10 Most Wanted” list. Who knew?

I recently caught a session of our city commission on TV which featured a riveting presentation by Tim Kazusko, a local biologist whom I knew in high school. Tim is a lover of all that is fishy, furred, or feathered, a champion of all the leafy and live. All save the Brazilian pepper tree and the Australian Pine. Now I can well understand his antipathy for pepper trees, they are a blight on the face of Mother Earth, BUT to lump my beloved Godflutes in with that ignoble weed is nothing short of arboreal slander. On this I must cry,"Foul!"

The reasons for this most unjust appraisal are apparently threefold: First, the beatific boughs of this majestic conifer have the audacity to grow in such dense profusion as to preclude the passing of sufficient sunlight to nourish undergrowth on the grounds below. Second, the roots while being too shallow to provide sufficient structural support for the trees in storm winds, are at the same time so broad ranging and numerous as to, again, crowd out other plants in a large radius. They are also quite thirsty, drinking far more than their fair share from the local water table. The most grievous result of these two combined effects, however, is that the Australian Pine reduces nesting sites for the local fauna, in this case, opossums, racoons, and rats. You know, rodentia. Lastly, and perhaps most damning of all, the needle bed, which I, in my naive ignorance had mistaken for a soft and inviting ground cover, is actually a highly acidic zone which, yet again, precludes other plant growth. It may even be CARCENOGENIC! Oooh, scary!

Let us examine these allegedly damning characteristics from a less caustic angle. After canoing about the Thousand Islands for a few hours, in afternoon temperatures that border on the incendiary, I, for one, find shade to be good thing. Indeed, I find it a blessed respite. As for the depredations on the local water table, it is Florida's abhorently excessive overwatering of grass that has lowered the state's water table to the point where many trees are dying for lack of their fair share! Shall we next declare botanical jihad on YARDS?

As for the scarcity of nesting sites for the rodentia, they still have vast options beneath the mangroves and other scrub growth on the islands, while the osprey, that breathtakingly beautiful raptor only returned to our islands in recent years, tends to nest, almost exclusively, in the lofty branches of the Autralian Pines, perhaps in an effort to keep their eggs far removed from rodentia.

Lastly, the evil needle bed. I am quite familiar with the Florida wilds, for the most part a near impassable riot of tropical growth. Whereas the spacious clearings found beneath the few sizable stands of Austrlian Pines remaining on the islands are an inviting oasis, a veritable verdant cathedral of respite from the heat of the day. As for the potential carcinogenic properties, ( insert rude hand gesture) were I to eat forty pounds of Australian Pine needles a day for eight months, washing it down with thirty gallons of pine wine, while washing my hair six times daily in pine shampoo, and covering my entire body eight times daily in pine sap, all for the same eight months... THEN, I MIGHT develop cancer. (This is that sarcasm I warned you about!)

I suggest, with all due respect, that before the state, with all its formidable powers of deforestation, comes for my Godflutes, that they first eradicate a few other "invasion plants", namely the Valencia Orange, which originated in China, and the American Beauty Rose, as both of these interlopers also provide poor nesting opportunities for our beloved rodentia. While they're at it let's do away with all of that Kentucky Blue Grass, whose name would lead me to believe that it's NOT from around here, but, as it IS the preferred carpet on nearly all of the FAIRWAYS throughout the state, has intruded vastly on our local landscape. It's also not good for rodent nesting sites. Oh, the injustice to the rodents!

Now, before anyone goes all apoplectic, I do realise that these other plants do not flourish in lands "protected" by the EELS program. BUT neither do they well shade, and certainly they do not sing! I ask only that you go to the islands. Rest in the shade of the larger stands. Listen as the very planet itself serenades you. Feel the trials and troubles of the day fall away. Then tell me if we, the meddlesome mites of planet Earth, have a right to silence the woodwinds of the Gods! I say, in a world so noisesome with the blaring of engines, horns, and sirens, we need the soul soothing respite afforded by the sounds of the surf, the songs of birds, the laughter of children, and the melodic strains of the Godflute. Peace and solace are dear commodities, and should be treasured wherever they can be found.

Posted by D. Allen Sherman 

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